Today's the day i have been charged for drug dealing, and a moment in my life where the reality and consequences for what ive been doing are starting to play out. SHIT!
Ive decided that i need to do something therapuetic if im mentally going to get through this, and thought blogging would be a good way of expressin myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and keeping in touch with the outside world whilst going through the hardest time in my life right now.
It was 3 months ago that i was arrested for "possestion with intent to supply" class A Drugs, and bailed to attend the police station today after investigations & forensics had been carried out on all the drugs involved and my mobile phones/laptops etc. They have also charged me with Class C with intent, which is a load of bullshit because they were personal, but whatever, that aint gonna make much difference since im being served with A's on a commercial scale basis.
Im due in magistrates court within the next 2 weeks, where i will be entering my plea's, and getting the ball rolling with my first steps in court proceedings. My plea's are going to be 'Guilty', cos they have me Bang To Rights on everything, it got to a point later on down the line i was getting so outta my head on my own drugs because i got um cheap as smarties, i fucked up and left a paper trail like Hansel & Gretel left fuckin breadcrumes, i was on everything, e's, ket, vals, I may aswell have went to the police station with an ounce of coke, a party hat, and my own pair of handcuffs...
Since being caught, ive had alot of crazy feelings. Fear and regret being my biggest, at the end of the day ive been told im pretty much going to prison for 3yrs. i aint never done no type of bird in my life, a number of times in police lockup is about it, and couple of court cases...And low and behold my local prison just so happens to be a Catagory A high security rough as fuck shithole, maybe if i move to cambridge or summet i could get put with a bunch of 'nice criminals'....Ha im just messin. Anyway, i got talking to a guy outside the police station, he was about to ride off on a bike with 7 evidence tags still attached, and a 'hoe' and 'rake' in a pair of evidence bags...i looked at him with a grin n said "i aint even gonna ask mate". We got chattin' and turns out he's done a stint in prison before, i could tell just from looking at him he's bin in n out before, so i just right out asked him some advice, and his main response was "don't take people in there too seriously".....I understood what he meant with some of the stuff, guy was in his 40's, and if i can get sound advice from anyone, its gonna be someone who's gone through what im about too. He said it was better "back in the day" compared to now, when it was 18-23hr a day lockdown, said there was less bickering and prisoner on prisoner violence, guess he likes the quiet life.
Suicide had been on my mind alot, i was facing a charge more serious than 3yr - and if they would have had enough evidence and decided to serve me with it, id be looking at around 7yr, but im not selfish enough to do that to the people i love...None of my crimes have been physically hurtful to other people, i guess you could call someone who deals drugs a wrecker of communities, but i believe prohibition laws on drugs are bollocks and people should have free will to take whatever they want, just as alcohol & tobacco, but does that mean i will still sell drugs when all this is over?....Hell No!. I dont want to take them either, ive wasted too much time time on being around them. Drugs were passed around growing up like a bomb with a timer, really ofton...
Im done with all this shit now, its destroyed my life, i have absolutley nothing left...my partner is gone, i dont blame her, how can i ask her to wait. I wouldn't want her to.
ive been doing everything i can to try and turn my life around, and show im a changed man, or not so much changed, but the real me is back... and that prison aint no right place for me...i believe in community rehabilitation, call me a liberal if you want...im not anything...but yeah i think addressing peoples problems has a better affect on crime. You've only got to look at places like Holland to see it.
Violent and sexual offenders, its a whole different ball game. You want to be violent, you get locked away with violent people. You want to rape, get your arse put in prison with a bunch of other perverts and lets see how paranoid you feel in the showers. I aint saying prison never works, but it doesn't really for short sentences. If i was gonna get a 2 month sentence for what ive done, id do half of it and be back on the street with the same mentality. But when i found out how long i could face, it prompted me to change my ways...
